what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
