i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
