i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
