remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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