My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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