I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
