So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
