do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
