eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
