Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
