Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hippo gnu deer
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
