he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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