Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
