He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
