cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
