I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
