dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
