So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
