Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
