I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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