I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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