Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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