oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
