Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
