She is in my trunk
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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