I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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