Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
