I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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