Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
