I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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