i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
