What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
