Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
