I am midnight drunk by noon
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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