new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
