the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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