dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She even gives head with a lisp.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Randomize
