The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
