nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
