you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Are my feet made of real feet?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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