i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
