He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
