thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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