how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
