..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
