Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
not ubering you a puppy
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
