Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
