Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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