help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Randomize
