dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
