I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
