Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So much rum. So many feels.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
