I wish my penis had an off switch
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
